"Stop Apologizing!"

The habit of over-apologizing and how it's slowly ruining your relationships

We’ve all heard it before.

Them: “Stop apologizing, you’ve done nothing wrong!”

You “Oops, sorry”

But why does it really matter? It’s just a little habit and not that big of a deal, right? Wrong.

Over apologizing comes from a place of wanting peace. “If I just apologize, it’ll smooth things over quickly and we can avoid conflict”. Or, “I’ll just be the bigger person and say sorry first”.

But if you think about it, when we apologize in this way, we’re often doing it to get a certain response. “Don’t worry, we’re all good” or “that’s okay, I’m sorry too”.

A true apology comes from a place of genuinely feeling remorse, regret, and admitting our wrongdoings. This accountability draws us closer together because of the vulnerability of it all.

It’s vulnerable to admit “I did something wrong, I feel bad about it, and I want you to know that, regardless of if you are willing to forgive me or not”.

A real apology is thoughtful and meaningful. These should be saved for sacred moments of repair within an important relationship.

But over-apologizing is not thoughtful.

In fact it’s often a thoughtless response to gain a sense of control of the environment around you- what I call an autopilot apology (“where’s the off button for this thing??”). There’s no real meaning or substance to it, because it’s a self-soothing tactic.

When I use the words “tactic” or “gain a sense of control”, it can be misleading because it implies malice. If we look at it from a lens of empathy, over-apologizing comes from a place of true fear. “What if they reject me?” “What happens if conflict pushes them away?” “What if it is all my fault?” The words “I’m sorry” act as a quick-fix salve to that “what if” energy. Because “at least they know I care”.

Autopilot Apology: the phrase I use to describe those thoughtless “I’m sorry’s” we do to self-soothe when things feel tense or threatening. Photo by Adam Johnson on Unsplash

How it Impacts Relationships

The problem with this “quick-fix apology salve” is it slowly erodes relationships. The more you give autopilot apologies, the less you’re really addressing the core issue. If we just get this conflict over with, we may avoid pain in this moment, but we don’t solve the issue beneath the conflict.

And all the while, you’re abandoning yourself. Not really giving yourself a chance to think “hey wait a minute, what they said really hurt me and that needs to be addressed”.

And not giving the other person a chance to learn about what matters to you.

A lot of the time, autopilot apologies are about things that “don’t really matter”, like “Um, sorry, I asked for oat milk and this is definitely whole milk”. Right now I know you’re saying “well I don’t have a relationship of any kind with the barista, so why does it matter if I sprinkle them with apologies without thinking about it?”.

Because excessive apologizing chips away at your own relationship with yourself, which impacts important relationships with others in your life.

“I’m sorry” out of habit when asking for something, or when scooching by someone in a tight space, signals to our brain “your needs don’t matter” “You’re taking up too much space” or “You’re a burden”. These beliefs become encoded in our filter through which we see the world, constantly being reinforced by “if I apologize for existing then they can’t get mad at me”. It takes away our confidence and changes how we show up in relationships that matter to us.

Because we have to exist in our relationships. And existing involves having needs, wants and opinions and expressing them.

If we apologize our way out of this, it gets lonely.

No one really ends up seeing the real “you”, just a curated, glossy version of what you think others would want.

What to do about it:

Catch yourself when you apologize. This isn’t meant to shame you; have compassion for yourself and remember this is you trying to ensure connection (but remember, it’s not real connection if you don’t show them who you really are).

Replace “I’m sorry” with “thank you”.

“Thank you for waiting” vs “I’m sorry I’m 5 minutes late”.

“Thank you for understanding” vs “I’m so sorry for calling in sick today”.

Reflection Section:

What happens around you when you apologize (someone tells you to stop, people seem nicer to you, etc)?

What do you think when someone else autopilot apologizes?

Journal Prompts:

What are other ways you can self-soothe besides apologizing when there’s felt tension or conflict?

Which of your own needs do you tend to autopilot apologize for the most?

-Rachael Ashcraft, LMFT

If this was helpful, forward it. Reply and tell me what resonated - I’d love to hear from you!

Remember: This post is for educational purposes and is not therapy. Reading this does not establish a therapeutic relationship.