How to Identify Your Needs
Especially when you're used to prioritizing everyone else's
For the last several weeks, I’ve been talking about putting yourself first via boundaries, stepping back from over-responsibility, and addressing the role of people-pleasing in your life. (See below)
So you may be saying to yourself, “it’s not that easy to make a switch and just put myself first”. I agree, it’s not.
But it’s so worth it, because at the end of the day, this is your life.
You deserve to take up space and have your needs met. You are worthy of healthy connection without having to “earn” it by taking care of everyone else.
This is a beginning of a journey back home to yourself.
And, the more easily we can identify our own needs, the easier it is to show up in relationships in a genuine and vulnerable way, which allows for more emotional intimacy.
I’d say that’s worth it. You’re worth it.
Where to Begin
1. Time to Notice
I find it can be hard to even hear what your body is trying to tell you when it’s not part of your regular practice, especially in the world of distractions we live in.
So, start by giving yourself time. Even 5 minutes. Rather than scrolling yourself to sleep tonight, set a timer for 5 minutes, and either close your eyes or stare at a spot on the wall.
The goal here isn’t to “focus on your breath” or “think of nothing”. That can be intimidating for a lot of us because most of us aren’t able to just “flip the switch” to turn off all the internal noise.
The goal is to just be. That’s it. After a few days of practicing, you can start to notice what that feels like in your body; maybe you feel like you’re about to crawl out of your skin because of all-the-things-you-have-to-do-and-this-just-isn’t-working-or-worth-your-time.
Or maybe you have a pit in your stomach, a subtle dread about what you might find.
Maybe you feel nothing. That’s okay, that tells us something too.
We’re just noticing.
2. What emotion is that?
This part can be overwhelming, so I suggest having a printout of an Emotion Wheel close by. How We Feel is also a great app for building emotional vocabulary and holding us accountable for checking in like this.
A lot of the time we are feeling more than one emotion at a time, but start slow. You are just discovering yourself.
3. Emotions are signals
Emotions signal to us that we need something.
They can be uncomfortable, or come at awkward times, which I think is why so many of us shove them down, numb them out, or focus on someone else’s life rather than our own.
But they’re the body’s way of trying to communicate with you. Much like hunger, which tells us we need nourishment.
Sadness often tells us we need connection/comfort.
Anger tells us we need to set/reiterate a clearer boundary.
Happiness tells us we need more of this.
So, what is the need attached to your emotion?
Examples of needs:
A nap
A hug
Permission to not do everything on the to do list today
Less urgency (urgency is often a choice)
To feel seen/connection
The list goes on. Ask yourself often, what do I need? How can I try to fulfill that need?
Take this process slowly. If this is new to your nervous system, (which it is for a lot of us), it may set off alarm bells at first (“I should be doing something else right now”, “others need me”, “this is too overwhelming”)
Remember, the nervous system speaks in one language: Is it safe or is it unsafe?
What’s unfamiliar is often mistaken for unsafe.
You’re reprogramming years of learning “turning inward is unsafe” and “I don’t have needs” or something along those lines, to “It’s safe to express my needs”.
Sharing our needs with others draws us closer. It builds relationships, makes us more relatable, and allows us to feel cared for in nurturing relationships.
It builds trust, both in others and in ourself.
Reflection Section:
What comes up when you acknowledge your needs are worth expressing and prioritizing?
Remember, just because something is different does not mean it’s bad, wrong or unsafe.
Journal Prompt:
How would it feel if others were able to be there for you in the way you are there for them? How could expressing what you really need help aid that process?
-Rachael Ashcraft, LMFT
If this was helpful, share it with someone you love. Reply and tell me what resonated - I’d love to hear from you!
Remember: This publication is for educational purposes and is not therapy. Reading this does not establish a therapeutic relationship.